A few weeks ago, I resumed online shopping for men. It’s not my favorite - is it anyone’s? - but there aren’t a whole lot of single men here in the suburbs. Pretty much everyone is married - and so HAPPY, you guys.
My latest insecurity (there are a million but this one’s new) is that I’m now less attractive because of my age. Not how age is affecting my face or body - they’re actually holding up quite well. Simply my age. I have a feeling I’m not falling into men’s search criteria anymore, because I’m 47.
When I was in the midst of my divorce, a lawyer I consulted told me that as long as I snagged a new husband in the following couple years, I could be financially sound. He said that I was running up against the age limit but I was pretty so it was possible.
I’ve had moments of panic lately. Men are no longer interested in me (despite hourly in-person input to the contrary). I’ll be alone the rest of my life, one of those old ladies that gave up on romance years and years ago - because, it’s implied, romance had given up on her.
So let’s say, for the sake of argument, that all of the above is true. That I have exited the window of statistical attractiveness. That I won’t find someone who I feel is my equal - because my equals aren’t looking for me. That I grow old alone.
Long ago, when that lawyer suggested I get on the man-hunt and fast, I had a moment of desperation. Yes, better land a husband post-haste. And then I remembered that I never want to marry again. Not because I don’t believe in partnership but because I don’t understand why I would - I’m not having any more children and I want to be financially independent forever and always. Back then, I was still unsure that I could earn a living. Turns out I can.
And now, when I think about not being with a dude, when I get past the not-enoughness that I feel, the not-being-chosen, I remember about dudes. They’re great, or they can be, but they also drive me crazy (in good ways and bad) and I love being alone. Often, in a dating situation, I’m waiting until we’re apart so I can reclaim my space.
So, you guys, worst case scenario, I continue living this beautiful life that I’ve built; running my business, raising my kids, hanging out with my friends, living to the fullest in gorgeous geography. None of that depends on my beauty, or on my age, or on a dude.
Maybe I will be one of those eccentric single elderly ladies. But I bet you I’ll be having fun.
Hi Liz, my friend forwarded me your posting (I'm friends with a neighbor of yours) because she's heard and seen me struggle over the past ten years with the same worries, self-sabotaging dating situations and the desire to ultimately be alone. Thank you for writing this and giving me the sense of shared company on this path of mine.
ReplyDeleteStephanie (48 and eccentrically single).